Never Forget
by takaxdesu
Summary: If only he had known then what he knew now, he never would have messed up the only chance at Shuichi that he would have. If only...but now he has to move on, and Ryuichi has to help him.


Teardrops fell from Eiri's eyes as rain fell from the sky. Teardrops streamed from his eyes like a river escaping a mountain. They fell because he was broken. Broken for the first time in over ten years. The last time he felt this much hurt, he was sobbing over Yuki Kitazawa's dead body, crying into Touma's arms. But now, Eiri shed his pain because Shuichi had finally given up on him.

Even worse, Shuichi had never left a letter explaining why, and he had finally stopped leaving messages on the author's cell phone. He had never known that losing the singer would affect him like this, he never expected that the end of their 5-year relationship would leave him feeling so empty inside, so worthless in his heart of hearts. A cigarette fell limply from between his fingers, and he fell to his knees in silent desperation. He barely noticed this as he buried his head in his hands, not realizing that he was in the middle of a deserted park, in front of a bench that held so many memories.

He shivered from the cold of the rainstorm, stumbling over to the bench, falling into a heap as soon as he sat down, sobbing, tears still dripping from the corners of his eyes. _Would it have been different, _he thought miserably, _would things have changed if I had told the little brat that I loved him? Would he have stayed if I had taken my last chance at his love?_

Then, _no...he was on his last nerve the day he left, it would have made it worse...wouldn't it? _He shook from the cold once again, resigning himself to getting up and driving home. He growled at the emptiness of the car, twisting the key to the 'on' position in the ignition, pressing down on the accelerator, starting off on his way back to his apartment. He stared blankly at the road as he drove, refusing to allow tears to blur his vision.

He walked in the door of his apartment, sighing as the darkness forced him to realize that from now on, he would go to sleep alone. Sinking into his empty bed, he let a withered sigh pass his pale lips, closing his eyes as he imagined Shuichi bending down to kiss him. Turning onto his side, he let unused drops of pain fall onto his pillow, running a shaking hand through his golden hair, sighing as he surrendered to sleep.

But even in his dreams he wasn't safe. In his dreams, they turned to nightmares, and images of a broken Shuichi haunted his conscience. He didn't understand, he was usually the cold, heartless, mean man. But here, he allowed himself to expose his weaker emotions. Only just 28, Eiri found it difficult to face facts that he would be lonely for life, unless he changed. But could he? Was he capable of becoming a caring man? Would loving someone new really fill the hole in his life?

---

_Eiri smacked the younger man's hand away, glaring at him with the amber eyes he had used to show his love just minutes before. "Don't look at me like that...and don't touch me." He turned his head to face away from the singer, hurt gleaming in his angry eyes. He waited a few moments, then turned back to look at the younger man's eyes, those gleaming pools of...no. He couldn't even think the words, he couldn't...not this time. He wouldn't give in to the little brat so easily._

_Shuichi weakly outstretched a sheet of paper, sobbing as he whispered, "But...Eiri...I finished the lyrics. Please...read them." He gazed up at his blonde lover, hoping that the author wouldn't smash him down like he usually did. He had poured his heart into the words; he couldn't bear that hurt...not right now._

_Yuki snatched the lyrics from the younger man's hands, barely noticing Shuichi's mumbled, "Now will you say you love me...?" as he let his eyes wander through the words. _**_'These are good_**,_ he thought,_ **_should I really say it? Can I mean it if I say I love him? I know I do, but..._**_ He held the paper at full arm's length, staring down at the purple haired younger man as his eyes trembled. "I won't say I love you, Shuichi. Not now."_

_Purple hair swirled as the young man turned and ran, crying hysterically as he rushed out the door. He stopped at the doorway, and then tearfully turned to the author to cry out, "You might not be able to say it, but I can! I love you, Eiri Yuki, but I promise, I won't trouble you anymore!" The last few words were almost inaudible, they radiated the singer's pain, and he dashed out of view, painfully swiping at his tear-stained eyes. _

**_Hn.,_** _thought the blonde, _**_so that's it_**. _He bent down and picked up Shuichi's discarded lyrics, sighing as he let the paper flutter down to rest on the coffee table. Then, he turned his back on the door as he forced it shut, wincing at the echoing noise it made. Crawling into his bed, he let the thought continue, right before sleep engulfed him._

_**I guess that's love.**_

---

Eiri groaned in his sleep as each second of his guilt's reminiscence passed. Once in a while, tangled sobs would mix in with his whispers of regret. His mind gave him no mercy as his body rested, forcing him to toss and turn. He couldn't help but remember the hurt in Shuichi's eyes as he told him he wouldn't say he loved him, the pain the same eyes expressed as the purple-haired man ran from Eiri's life forever.

The author's mind tormented him with one question after another. Most were the same. Most were what ifs, but one made him think: Would either of them ever be able to love again? Shuchi would, but Eiri...he wasn't even sure in the beginning what the pop singer would mean to him, he hadn't been sure if he would ever have recovered from what had transpired the night Kitazawa let a group of men rape him.

No, life for the author would most likely be lonely, as was life for many of the characters he created in his novels. Long, lonely, and tragically depressing. But he figured he'd be able to handle it...if his characters could survive, he certainly would, but who would ever love him as Shuichi had? Who would he be able to let in as he had so quickly allowed the little prat into his home, his study, his heart...his life?

Later, the thought came to him. _Ah_, he thought with a genuine sleepy smile, halfway through a busy afternoon. _Ryuichi Sakuma. _Those two words left him staring at the screen of his laptop, glaring at the cursor in the document that patiently waited for him to finish his current train of thought, blinking perpetually. He left his study with a simple growl, striding into the living room to pick up his cell phone from the coffee table. He dialed a few seemingly unfamiliar digits, then he pressed the call button and waited for te other end to answer.

First he heard a confused, "Hello?" then, after his simple reply, Ryuichi seemed to open up a little bit. What he heard next made the breath run from the back of his throat. "Are you...are you calling about Shindo-san, Eiri-sama?" Ryuichi asked him, and Eiri half-smiled at the positively hyperactive tone in the older man's voice.

"No," Yuki replied calmly, "I'm calling about you." He put immense emphasis on the word 'you', a cold smirk playing across his lips. He paused for a moment, letting his words sink in. By now he stood on the balcony, staring out into the bright activity that pumped through the very heart and veins of Japan. He leaned lightly on the edge, holding his phone to his ear with one hand and teasing a cigarette with a lighter with the other. Waiting silently to see if Ryuichi had anything to say in response to his blunt words. When he heard nothing, he added, "Come over for a bit, Ryu-san," and smiled as he waited once more.

Ryuichi was nothing past surprise when Eiri asked him to come over. He could hear somethind odd in the blonde's voice; it sounded as if he had been crying. But no, the Eiri Yuki he knew never cried...never. And even if he did, the author did well in hushing up the shakiness in his voice when he made calls, when he went out to public. So why was the blonde letting him know that he'd been hurting...? Ryuichi shrugged it off, shaking his head lightly as if anyone was actually saying these words to him, then, "Yes, Yuki, I'll be there."

Eiri nodded lightly and held back a tear. "Be here soon, Ryuichi," he said in a whisper, and then he snapped his cell phone shut, severing his end of the line. He sank into the couch in his living room once more, giving into his emotions once more, swelling tears dropping from his eyes, sobs and cries throwing themselves past his lips. It didn't stop, even when a confused Ryuichi showed up, all the novelist could do was fall into the brunette's arms, letting go of himself as the older man held him tight.

Finally, hours later, Eiri's tears subsided, and he lay still with Ryuichi's confused arms around him, but the blonde man knew that Ryuichi had relaxed. He laid his head against the brunette's chest, barely awake, hardly aware of what had made him burst into tears to begin with. He was not an emotional man; he was almost always a man of firm composure._ If I haven't cried over someone I loved for over ten years, why start now? _All he knew was that he felt completely safe in Ryuichi Sakuma's arms.

Ryuichi, without even realizing it, left a soft kiss on Eiri's forehead, stroking his golden hair. He didn't even snap out of his trance until Yuki's lips were inches from his, but he didn't fight it when their lips connected. He knew this wasn't some random impulse, Eiri had never known how to do something without meaning it. "Eiri-san..." he whispered, touching a hand to the side of the younger man's face.

What the author was thinking as he kissed the Nittle Grasper front man, he wasn't sure, all he knew was that he didn't want to let him go. "Ryu..." He gazed up at the brunette. A pale smile touched his withered lips, his hand resting on the brunette's face, his fingertips curled lightly against his skin. "I...want..." his voice trailed off as he leaned into his protector.

Ryuichi gazed down at him, sighing slightly, the blonde's tears had returned. He kissed him, not sure why, and held him close until the tears stopped. _Tonight is going to be a long night, _he thought tiredly, _but I don't want to leave him, and even if I did want to, I couldn't... _He knew that later, he'd be back to his childish moods and Eiri would throw him out in a rage, but for now, the man he was sure was in love with him... he needed him. All he heard before the blonde closed his eyes was a soft, "Please don't leave me."

The next morning, Eiri woke up, still in Ryuichi's arms. The brunette man had an odd smile on his lips, and Yuki wore the same on once Ryuichi let him place a short kiss on his lips. He sighed, resigned to that fact that he had to quickly forget what Shuichi meant to him, and erase the young singer's face, touch, voice, everything, from his memory, just as he had attempted with the memory of his first true love, Yuki Kitazawa. If he couldn't forget Shuichi, then there would be no getting over him.

Hurt flashed in his eyes, hurt flared in the amber eyes that so many had fallen in love with. He had to forget what it was like to know Shuichi Shindo, what it felt like to kiss his lips, to slide his hand into the singer's...to have him in his arms. He couldn't forget the man who had made him into what he was now. He pulled free of Ryuichi's arms, straying to the window as he said softly, "Ryu...leave."

Ryuichi looked confused, yet he understood Eiri's desire for a bit of distance between them. The only thing he couldn't get..why? "Eiri-san..." he said in a low voice, not quite a whisper, but barely heard, and got up from the couch. He reached for the blonde's hand, but stepped back as the author turned on him and glared. "I'm gone." He turned, picked up his coat, and left Yuki's apartment.

Then without warning, Yuki's cellphone rang. He boredly reached into his pocket and answered with a sigh and a, "Yes?" letting his voice sound breathless, smiling hopelessly as he waited for a reply. All he could hear was a soft, submissive voice whisper something that sounded like, _'Now will you say you love me',_ and he released a sighing, "No." He let silence drag the time by, then he finished, "Ryuichi Sakuma has claimed me as his lover. It wouldn't be right, now would it?"

He snapped his phone shut, then he let himself gaze off into the distance, the sun glowing melodramatically in the sky, and he took a long drag on his cigarette, barely thinking. All that came to his mind was Shuichi's face, all he could wish for was the young man's kiss. _Huh...well go figure...shagging Ryuichi just wasn't good enough. _He half-smiled, then smothered his cigarette with a tear falling to the floor beside it.

He forced a rogue strand of hair from his face, tossing his glasses aside as he buried his face in his hands. Without thinking, he pulled his hands slowly from his face, staring at the band that wrapped itself around his wedding finger. A pained cry ran from his lips, and he pulled the ring off, tossing it across the room with tears in his gleaming eyes. God how he remembered their wedding...Shuichi walking down the aisle next to him, the singer in a white suit, the author in black...vowing to belong to each other...pulling the younger man to his lips as soon as they were married...making love in the hotel room hours later...oh how he had loved hearing Shuichi purr his name...

All that night, had he once told Shuichi that he loved him? No, he had trusted that his actions could do what his words could not, he had hoped that Shuichi would understand that he was almost incapable of saying those three words...not since Yuki Kitazawa-san. Almost nobody would get those words out of his now. Eiri Yuki would never say it unless he meant it.

_But...can I mean it anymore?_

---

_He felt a hand on his arm, and he turned to face the singer, slowly, then he smiled. "What do you.." he was cut off as the singer kissed him, and he gladly returned it. He rested his hand on the younger man's shoulder, keeping him close to his body. He broke it, then he smiled again and whispered, "Love you too," letting the younger man lead him into the bedroom. He willingly gave Shuichi his body, letting him take him, do whatever he wanted. _

_He smiled as he eventually camethen he whispered with a playful, yet seductive tone and a kiss to the singer's ear, "Mmm..Shuichi...I love you..." and fell asleep in his fiancé's arms. _

---

"Eiri..." Ryuichi sighed happily as he laid on his back on his couchm in his apartment, feeling the pain of being alone. He gazed up at the ceiling, blankly, and added, "why?" Sitting up, he turned on the TV, growling at the newswoman that chatted excitedly with her co-anchor about Ryuichi's appearance at Eiri Yuki's apartment building. How he had been there all night, how he had left looking broken, it actually made Ryuichi return to normal.

He grinned, then picked up Kumagoro from the coffee table, having never observed that it looked more like a rabbit than a bear. He smiled again, then tossed it aside, picking up his coat and his keys, then walking to his car. He wandered on to Eiri's apartment once more, and once the author let him up and opened his door to Ryuichi, he took the blonde's hand, smiling when the blonde didn't complain, then he whispered in the ear of Eiri Yuki, "Take me."

Eiri smiled, raised an eyebrow, and purred with a kiss to Ryuichi's neck, "With pleasure, Ryu." He ran smooth hands down the brunette's arms, then back up to his shoulders, pushing back his overcoat, letting it fall to the living room floor. He nipped at the groaning man's neck, undoing his shirt button by button. "And what's more..you can even call me your lover if you want." He chuckled, then he let the brunette's shirt flutter to the floor. "But don't make me do this alone."

Ryuichi let Eiri wrap his arms around him, tilting his head back so that the author could have his way with him. Placing his hands on the younger blonde's chest, he purred with pleasure. "Why...I'm not a calm man like you, Eiri." He didn't hear a reaction, not immediately, but nonetheless, Yuki's shirt was long removed. His bare chest slid beneath Ryuichi's fingertips like silk, muscles rippling beneath his touch. He trembled as Eiri's lips roamed his chest, his back connected with the cushions on the couchh as he let himself fall back, surrendering his body to Eiri's will.

A low chuckle rumbled in Yuki's throat, and as he finally replied, "Because...I need someone...to fill the spaces in my heart...that Shuichi has recently left to shatter." He stopped, his voice having paused every few seconds to ensure that Ryuichi lay naked beneath him, bending his body to his will. "I need a replacement...and I'm sure I can grow to love you." His low voice trembled once more, he only paused once to bring Ryuichi's leg up to rest on his shoulder, to give him more room to work. The brunette now lay naked beneath him, waiting, and Yuki took no extra time in pushing roughly into the singer, hearing his pains of delight and letting the delicious sounds heighten his performance.

Ryuichi woke up alone on the couch the next morning, listening for proof that he was still in Eiri Yuki's apartment. He heard the kitchen faucet running, and after putting on his jeans, he headed that way. Placing a hand on the doorframe, he watched the author hum along with some American rock band, all the while watching over a pan of simmering pancakes. The blonde had a cigarette between his lips, lips tha curved into a rough smile as Ryuichi was finally noticed.

Eiri smiled and released his grip on the handle of the pan, figuring it could stand a few seconds of being left to its own devices. He pulled his cigarette from between his lips, holding it between his fingertips, then he walked the few feet over to Ryuichi, curving one arm around the brunette's neck to allow him to place a sweet kiss on his lips, then he smiled again, turning to return to breakfast. He seemed to completely ignore the picture frame that sat on the table, instead whistling softly as he smoothly pulled a towel from his shoulder and wrapped it around the hook on one of the drawers.

The picture frame held a photograph of Eiri and Shuichi. The beach was behind them, and they stood close to each other, wrapped in each other's arms. A cool smile rested on Yuki's lips as he gazed intently from the picture, but Shuichi was beaming as he clung tightly onto the author's shirt. Ryuichi smiled as he stared at it, then he turned his back on it, like Yuki had, and walked over to stand behind the blonde, wrapping his arms around him from behind. He smiled, resting his chin on the author's shoulder, then said softly, "Those lips of yours...they belong to me now, do they?"

Eiri turned his head slightly, smirking, relaxing into the older man's arms a bit. One image came to his mind, it was of the purple-haired brat that had been haunting his sleep for weeks. But Shuichi wasn't facing him...he was walking away, one arm reaching back, as if to say goodbye, The image left his mind completely, and as he listened to the silent brunette's breathing, he shrugged and grunted shortly. "Hmph...only if that's what you want." He then turned his attention back to the pancakes, placing a rough hand over Ryuichi's and rubbing it gently, finishing, "And if you want...like I said last night, I'll be all yours too."

Only one thought crossed his mind.

_Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever._


End file.
